Not Mine
by Lady Priscilla Violet Regina
Summary: Rated for slight language. *snifflies* This one made my heart hurt to write it. Duo expresses his feelings for Heero, who loves Relena instead. Duo's POV, first person. Kinda sad! (Kidding...really sad! *frown*) Shonen-ai, as said before. Problems with ya


Not Mine

By: Priscilla Violet Regina

Disclaimer: Not mine! (see title? ~.ó) Don't sue!

Warnings: Shonen-ai/Yaoi (whatever you want to call it) 1x2...kinda...(read, and you'll see)

Her. It was always her he ran to, never me. Couldn't I offer what she did? Couldn't I please him like she did?

Couldn't I love him like she did?

Apparently not. Whenever he needed something, he searched her out, instead of seeing the one person who would go to the ends of the Earth and back for him. No, the ends of the Universe and further. Instead of seeing me.

I always tried to mask my hurt, but it grew harder as we became closer, now not only working together, but living together too. I lived with him, for crying out loud, slept two doors down from him, and saw him every morning, reading the paper while he sipped his coffee. Two heaping teaspoons of sugar and a tablespoon of Irish cream, stirred with a silver spoon.

How could I forget?

The first time I encountered him, it was still her voice he responded to, not mine. Her sob-choked cry that woke him, not mine.

He always wondered why I hated her, asking, "Duo...why does Relena bother you so much? Why are you so mean to her?" What could I say? "Well, Hee-chan, it's because I love you so fucking much, but you love her, not me!"

When I started noticing this feeling, I felt guilty, knowing she probably deserved him more than I did. But I slowly convinced myself that I was worthy of his love, too. The I-me syndrome kicked in. "Well, what about me? How could anyone love me, the God of Death?"

What about me, Heero?

What about me?

Then I met Hilde. Sure, I loved her, but not like I did Heero. I thought of her more as a great friend, sister perhaps, but never lover. I couldn't, not after seeing Heero dripping wet in his black silk boxer shorts after a joke gone bad.

But she did help me keep my thoughts off him, taking me to the movies and park whenever I had time. She did everything she could to make me happy, but I still wasn't completely satisfied. How could I be when I knew he came home to Relena's open arms so willingly?

When he left Peacemillion to save her, that was it. I died inside. She was more important to him that our mission to save the Earth. She was more important to him than us. Than me. I remember jokingly commenting to Quatre, "What, is he gonna have a fist-fight with Zechs?" while inside I was screaming that I hoped he made it there and back safely. 

I tried talking to Quatre about my feelings, thinking he would be sympathetic, but he only frowned and asked if I was okay while feeling my forehead. I knew Trowa wouldn't say much...when does he ever? And Wufei...I didn't want to get my arm chopped off, so I left him alone.

They only person I wanted to talk to was Heero, but since what I had to say was about him, it didn't work out. People by now would be screaming for me to just tell him, but how could I? I knew he would never look at me the way I did him, with as much love and lust as I had for him.

Instead, he looked at _her _like that.

I couldn't tell him anyway, because I knew that if I did, his response would be one of the following:

1. Laughing in my face;

2. Punching me; or, 

3. Freaking out and leaving with Relena, never letting me see his beautiful face again.

None of those choice appealed to me, so I kept quiet. I didn't want to spoil the life he was building with her, even though my sub-conscious screamed, ranted, and raved that it should be me in her spot.

I knew him better than she did, I know it! I spent the better part of a year with him, going on missions, staying in safe houses, traveling in space...

The only time she saw him was when he saved her, or she tried to save him.

She was so unlike him, so unused to pain, how could she know him? How could she see through this front to the true Heero?

Like I did.

Like he let me do.

Once, he even admitted to me that he was afraid. One time, late at night while I was raiding the refrigerator, he came up and told me he was scared.

"Of what, Hee-chan?" I asked, concerned.

"Of the future. Of life. Of love."

We spent the rest of the night talking, sharing life stories and fears, and thoughts about the war. Not once did she come up in that conversation. 

The next day, he proposed.

To her.

Not me.

_To her._

It tore my heart to shreds. There I was, talking with him all night about how he should take life by the balls and risk it, thinking he might catch on to my true meaning, and instead he thought I was telling him to marry Relena.

Why the hell would I be telling him to marry her?

And so I sit here, watching him stare at her, eyes filled with the same love I feel for him as he says his vows, promising to never leave her side.

She smiles, and I see him practically melt.

My smile should be making you weak in the knees, Heero, not hers. Not hers.

Tears course down my cheeks as I watch your perfect mouth form the words I've always wanted you to say to me.

"I do."

I do love you, Heero.

I do.

-Owari

So what do you think? R/R Please!!! I hope you liked it. I almost cried when I read back over it...~.ó 


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